My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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