I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
