I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
this is an emotional support booty call
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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