ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
People in love make me want to vomit
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He did a backflip because drugs
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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