Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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