turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
