Your face is a jimmy john
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
i love accidental penises.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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