I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
