im six kinds of drunk right now
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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