I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
