You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
