Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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