I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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