Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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