just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
