Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
