So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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