I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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