My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
