I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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