Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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