Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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