He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
