Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
