ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
