I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
