It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
