All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
