got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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