What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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