quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
