Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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