he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
