Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
