There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
