Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Two words: blizzard sex
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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