so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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