Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
