Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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