I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
