We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
