Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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