where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
