the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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