Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
