Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
