dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
