That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
