Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
