just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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