I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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