I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
