i would punch a child for taco bell
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize