why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
