I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
