I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
