I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Terrible idea I love it
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
